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Today

Its not a good day for me. I don’t know why. Of course it is 25 yrs to the day that we buried my dad, but its about my mama I’m sure.
I don’t leave this bedroom much. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. For 2 yrs it was taking care of mama. Even when her health was better.
Its been 3 months. I need to get a grip. Sigh….just don’t really want to.
I don’t feel depressed. I laugh and I do get out of the house but…..I just don’t know.
I never ever expected to feel this way about her death. I mean I’m not heartless but this is sooooooo unexpected…..

Update on Randy

The cancer has spread to his brain. So they are doing radiation to his brain now. They have to take care of this before they can do chemo on his body. He has lost about 30 lbs. Down to 108. But he seems to have a great look out on this . He is going to beat it , I really feel this. He has put it in GOD’s hands. And after all he has overcome I think the LORD will let him stay here a little while longer.

Randy

I know the good Lord has his plan, but it seems to be making my family dwindle.
Today my Uncle Randy who is 7 months younger than me, got the results of his biopsy. He has cancer in the lymph nodes. they will be doing a cat scan to see, I guess, how far it has gone.
So now its a waiting game..
I hate to wait. Of course I know its worse on him…all this waiting. I not sure how I can handle it if the worst case scenario becomes reality. I just lost mama and my brother a couple years ago….sigh…just sigh…

You’re home now

Tania called me to tell me she had to bring you to me. Seems you’ve been harassing her. Seems she asked for a sign and you gave it to her. So you are here with me. And your first night home you come to me in a dream. I am glad you did. I kind of have a peace since the dream. And a little unease. Although I don’t know why. But Tania had a great night sleep.
It feels as if I got the chance in the dream to let you know that I love and miss you and I guess to say goodbye. I don’t know if you will be back in my slumber, but if you are please make it easy on me.
NO, I am not wanting to see you. It scares me. I wish it didn’t but it does.
Anyway, mama, you are now home or as close to home as you can get. Its not La. but its me. I do hope you are happy where you are. I hope you can breathe and walk around with out problems.
I love you mama and I miss you so much.

sigh…..

Crossing Over
Oh, please don’t feel guilty
It was just my time to go.
I see you are still feeling sad,
And the tears just seem to flow.
We all come to earth for our lifetime,
And for some it’s not many years
I don’t want you to keep crying
You are shedding so many tears.
I haven’t really left you
Even though it may seem so.
I have just gone to my heavenly home,
And I’m closer to you than you know.
Just believe that when you say
my name, I’m standing next to you,
I know you long to see me,
But there’s nothing I can do.
But I’ll still send you messages
And hope you understand,
That when your time comes to
“cross over,” I’ll be there
to take your hand.
–Author Unknown

My mama sang this to me

Marianne
Terry Gilkyson

Marianne, oh, Marianne, oh, won’t you marry me?
We can have a bamboo hut and brandy in the tea
Leave your fat old mamma home, she never will say yes
If mama don’t know now, she can guess
My, my, yes
All day, all night, Marianne
Down by the sea side siftin’ sand
Even little children love Marianne
Down by the seaside siftin’ sand
When she walks along the shore, people pause to greet
White birds fly around her; little fish come to her feet
In her heart is love but I’m the only mortal man
Who’s allowed to kiss my Marianne
Don’t rush me
All day, all night, Marianne
Down by the sea side siftin’ sand
Even little children love Marianne
Down by the seaside siftin’ sand
When we marry we will have a time you never saw
I will be so happy I will kiss my mother inlaw
Children by the dozen in and out the bamboo hut
One for every palm tree and coconut
Hurry up now
All day, all night, Marianne
Down by the sea side siftin’ sand
Even little children love Marianne
Down by the seaside siftin’ sand
Songwriters: William H. Eaton Jr.

Crap !!

I’m ok except……I seem to have moments when it just hits me and I get very sad…on the verge of tears. Then its gone. WTH….
Maybe I’m getting better. At least not crying a lot. I can only hope

The Living Room

Yes, my dreaded living room. Since mama has passed I hate this room. She lived in it for 2 yrs. Now its bare. NO hospice bed , no oxygen tanks, no mama.
I forced myself to come sit in here while everyone else was gone and George was asleep in the bedroom. I must say I was happy when he got up and came in here and turned on the t.v. I was sad. But I know its something I will have to do. It had gotten to the place I was up by 7a.m and in here taking care of mama then Joker would come to me and begin to cry which was my sign to go take a nap…he did it every day.

Sigh…what now? My brother asked me yesterday afternoon if I thought my mama would want me to be like this…well if anyone knew my mama the answer would probably be YES.

Mama LOVED being the center of attention. She love to know everyone was looking at her, talking about her (as long as it was good) and missing her. She would like the fact that I mourn her even after 3 months.

I always said she would never leave me alone. That she was going to wait and die the minute after I did. Well it didn’t happen that way , but the grief I think is her still wanting to be treated “special” . Ok mama, you get your way, again, for now… But this mourning will end …sometime. I am determined…I love you mama….